Spank Me, Spank My Cold Cuts

This is a picture that someone sent me a while back, but I have since lost the contact information (if you're out there and see this, let me know).

It's another in a growing line of inadvertent BDSM-related businesses featured on the Gallery. Check out the S&M Variety Shop, the S&M Shopping Arcade, and the home of the handspanked burger. It all hurts so good.

Tramping around with Harry

Here's a sign that long-time Gallery fan, Nick Zachariasen, found a few years ago. It was in a Sam's Club in Sioux Falls, SD, advertising the release of Rowling's latest installment at the time:

Apparently, Harry's adventures are taking him into areas that are more mature than we ever expected.

Thanks again to Nick for keeping us updated on the weird stuff out there.

Funereal Fun

The photograph that Ingred contributed reminds me of a sign here in Commerce, TX. It's for a new funeral home run by the Swindling family.

Make sure your loved ones are safe in the ground before paying the bill.

Sham?...Wow!

Here's a photograph sent to me by Ingred Chamberlin. She found this sign while walking down El Camino Real in San Mateo, CA.

Did anyone ever consider market testing the company name?

And for that steampunk in you, be sure to check out Ingrid's blog, Machina Fatalis.

Neckrophilia

Staying on today's theme of weird neck positions...

Here's something from a German catalog that someone sent me a while back.

Is she an accident victim or what?

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 07/06/09

Here's your Annoying J. Crew Model for the week of July 6th.

This image was on the cover of a recent catalog:

Why is he holding his neck in this weird way? Cervical disc disease, or just plain goofiness?

KFC Krap

They've been airing this KFC commercial a lot lately. At first I wondered why this particular commercial featured only women. It seemed to me at first that this was another gendered attempt to market "healthy" food to women. According to our culture, men can pig out on fried crap and can get as doughy as they want, but women need to watch their weight if they want to be attractive. Why do you see only women in diet cola ads? Then I learned that Oprah, that paragon of popular "taste," has recently promoted KFC grilled chicken. So that explains the focus on soccer moms.

What's with the woman saying "I knew there was something missing in my life"? Is she so vapid that she needs fast food to be complete? Is this what happens from reading too many books in the Oprah book club?

Al's Meat

Before there was Richard Kind, there was lovable "Al the Grocer," Al Molinaro. In this older ad from the original Gallery of the Absurd, Al shows us that "Happy Days" are here again.

I wonder if "2-lb. family size" refers to him or the entree.

Declare Your Fundependence

Happy 4th of July from The Gallery of the Absurd!

Today is a day to remember those who have sacrificed for our country, cook out with friends, and spend our way into a consumer coma! That's right, another holiday, another time to buy crap, and here are some of the things that folks are peddling this Independence Day.

Actually, this is an ad from last year's July 4th. Ah....nothing says patriotism like exposure to another mind-numbing knock-off of American Idol, a show that got its start in Britain.


Let's go camping! Remember, the gas you guzzle may help to finance terrorist activities here at home.


And our old friends at Seductive Search aren't going to let this holiday go by without milking it. Show your love for our country by reaching out to touch the stars and stripes.


And what in America goes hand-in-hand with scantily-clad women? Guns, of course! As we've seen before, maybe firearms are a family affair after all.

By the way, notice the curious use of quotation marks. Our country, our punctuation...love 'em or leave 'em.

God bless America!

Having a Ball This Holiday Weekend

Do you know the way to San Jose? Next time you're there, be sure to stop in at Ball Liquors.

Come for the pun, stay for the wacky lettering on their sign.

Apple Jerks

What is it about breakfast cereal packaging that disturbs me? This isn't the first time. I was in the grocery store the other day, and I came across this bit of consumer weirdness. There's something freaky about the layout of this box. The little apple and cinnamon creatures are prancing around the logo, with the apple leering at the little girl in an unsettling way. And it looks like the non-animated cinnamon stick is lobbing an apple jack at the girl's head.

Creepiest of all is this apple thing. Nothing like good ol' nightmare fuel to start your sugary, vitamin-packed day.

In the midst of all the box top horror, this cute little girl is sitting calmly with her ball and the words "Affordable Summer Fun" splashed across her torso.

If the box top is any indication, I would guess that this "affordable" family fun is something you'd find at Camp Crystal Lake or the Bates Motel.

Doing It Clown Style

Laugh your way through the End Times, doing it "clown style," with J.T. "Bubba" Sikes's revelations through illusions!

I guess there are some who would argue redundancy here, that the "Good News" is an illusion.

And remember, kids, nothing says "instructional" like the word "Bubba"!

Baby Got Back

I used to travel frequently along I-85 between Charlotte, NC (my hometown) and Spartanburg, SC. Driving along the interstate, as I was just northeast of Spartanburg, I would always notice the Peachoid Water Tower in Gaffney, SC, a giant watersphere shaped and painted to look like a real peach. However, I always thought it looked like something else. As the Peachoid begins to become visible just over the horizon, it appears more like a giant ass.

I guess in it's own way, this watersphere is a kind of sign or advertisement, and therefore fair game for The Gallery of the Absurd. Hail to the giant buttpeach!

I Love You, You Love Beer

Summer means fun, and nothing says "fun" like that lovable purple dinosaur, Barney. Here we can see Barney stocking up for good times: Pepsi, ice cream cones, a Super Tanker fountain drink, and cases upon cases of Budweiser, Miller, and Coors.

Brought to you by your local PBS affiliate and your friends at AA.

Annoying J. Crew Model of the Week - 06/29/09

This week's Annoying J. Crew Model is like the old Certs commercial...it's two, two, two dorks in one! The first dork, sporting a "secret wash lightweight shirt"--what's so secret about the washing?--has his eyes closed, for some reason, with his arms folded and a goofy look on his face:

In the very same catalog, just three pages later, is an older man with his arms folded, leaning slightly to his right, and with his legs placed in a relaxed position...exactly like his younger compatriot. Is this his father? Might this be some form of fashion time travel? Has J. Crew decided to tap into the full potential of the space-time continuum?

Tuck in your shirttail, dude!